she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I will be naked everywhere
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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