You're completely useless in the revolution.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
