Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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