my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
