I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
