Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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