just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
