I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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