What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
