wrigley field is MILF paradise
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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