This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
