I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
