Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize