You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
