She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
