No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
