Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
