Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
