Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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