Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
