Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize