i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
