I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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