i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
