I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
