Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
