I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
