I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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