i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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