I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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