The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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