Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
