everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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