just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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