I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
