We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
