I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
someone owes me an orgasm
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize