you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
