I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
