Just took my morning after pill in the library
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
