Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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