Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
