a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
