I am full of burrito and curiosity
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
