Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
