I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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