i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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