the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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