My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
