I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
