I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
All I want is dick and wine.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
