My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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