Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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