Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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