Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
