from now on my penis is your penis
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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